Super weird topic right? Totally random and straight out of left field, I know. My shower thoughts are beyond the most bizarre things that pop into my head. I think of better endings to past arguments, and I rehearse confrontational scenarios that will probably never even happen. Lately though, I’ve caught myself in my deliberation. Stopping to admire my weird uniqueness. Not only do I think to myself but I whisper to myself as well. I mutter, mumbling in ways only I can understand. Voicing my thoughts may look crazy to a fly on the wall but its what keeps me sane.
As a Mother the only quiet time I have to reflect is in the shower. Even at night after my kids go to bed I am unable to fully reflect in silence. Sure, its quiet sitting next to my Husband on the couch watching a few shows before we retire for the night. However, I feel like he should have my complete attention. Whether we are scrolling through our phones on Facebook or if I am sitting at the kitchen table writing, I need to be aware of what he is saying or what he might say, without having to answer him with what did you say? first.
So, my time, is in the shower. The smallest shower I think I’ve ever had, it reminds me of one that you would install in a travel trailer, not a 3 bedroom house, but I digress.
On to today’s shower thoughts.. A couple of days ago I started reading a book, a Christian book. One that I don’t want to reveal quite yet because I was actually chosen to write an honest review of it on my blog. I’ve never been strong in my faith, and I feel like I could benefit from trying to explore it. I want to know what other Christians know and live for a higher power. This book his already changed my way of thinking, which is what I was reflecting on in the shower, and while I was getting ready for the day. The author speaks about her marriage and the rocky road they endured through the first years of their life together. With each sentence, and each paragraph, I could relate to her feelings and fears of being a new Wife. I wish I could get a little more in depth of the book right now but that will just have to wait so I don’t spoil my review.
This morning as I was lathering up my head, as if that is the real reason my thoughts go haywire, I was thinking about who I am as a Wife. Am I fully investing into my marriage and am I giving my Husband the support and companionship that a Husband needs to succeed? My simple answer was no. In my defense you should never feel like you are living your life up to par, there are always ways that you can improve and you should strive to be better than you were the day before. As a Wife though, I know I can improve. I know that I am still caught up in the newlywed stage, nearly 2 and a half years later, thinking that my presence is all that he needs. A smile and a kiss every once and a while and we’re good to go. When in reality, even I need more than just his presence. While rinsing my face I came to the conclusion that I was unknowingly holding my Husband up to a double standard. I have been unconsciously thinking selfishly for quite some time now. Not in a rude or hurtful way at all, this hasn’t harmed our marriage, but in a way that makes me want to review my emotional and romantic side.
I’ve never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am a very reserved person and it shows in my relationships through the years. I think this is why I was lead to my Husband. He is the exact opposite of me, which is why we work. Witnessing his love for me makes me makes me question why I can’t just suck it up and be affectionate. I have yet to find the answer, but I have a feeling that it lies somewhere in the book I am reading.
This book is not in the self help category, so don’t think that I am one of those people just yet. It is simply a Wife who is sharing her love story to help others understand their own.
I cannot wait to share it with y’all and to check in once again after I have completed it. I am eager to see how my ways of showing love changes.
Take some time to reevaluate your role in your marriage once and a while, it may be the smartest thing you can do.